Fanfiction: "Pain"

Author: Maz

Reviewer: Liz

Basic summary: Angel's thoughts as he walks away from Buffy in Graduation Day II.

-Grammar: There were mistakes. You always should read the story out loud so that you can catch your grammatical mistakes. A beta would also be very helpful. The difference between "whose" and "who's" would be the kind of mistakes you could have avoided. The punctuation within this story needs to be edited. Due to the lack of proper punctuation, I was often confused by what you were trying to say. A reader needs to know exactly what the writer is trying to say. With that, the author has an obligation to make his/her writing as clear as possible so that the readers may enjoy the story without having the need to stop and say "What was he/she trying to tell us here?"

-Spelling: "Apologise/apologize" - I'm not sure if it is spelled another way where you live, but that is the only spelling mistake that I came upon.

-Improbability: Everything was much like canon; therefore, everything was probable (well, as probable as it gets in the Whedonverse).

-Cliché: I haven't seen many stories talking about or describing how Angel felt at the moment when he looked into Buffy's eyes, one last time (well, until 'I Will Remember You').

-Plot Development: You definitely developed the plot in the way that you started out with Angel facing the situation at hand, and not knowing how to deal with it. You developed your story, having Angel go over every thought he had about the situation. Then you ended it with Angel's conclusion. It's as if Angel devised and developed a plan in his head.

-Characterization: Your characterization hit the nail right on the head. You made Angel despise himself, but then conclude that what he was doing was all for the best. You made him sound as if he had an inner-struggle while contemplating the situation. This inner-struggle can often be compared to the struggle he has between his demon and his soul (in which the demon is selfish and the soul is selfless). He always assured the readers that he was trying to be levelheaded - he wanted to "think with his head, and not with his heart." This screams "Canon," so bravo!

-Use of Words/Description: You used very descriptive - very mature and articulate - words to "paint" us the "picture" of your story.

-Continuity: Definite continuity, in my opinion (as shown above).

-Dialogue: Does not apply to this fanfiction, since there is no dialogue.

-Tediousness: Of course, there's the confusion that I'm worried about. The punctuation really puts a damper on the fic. Did my mind wander? Not really. Was it repetitive? Yes it was, but I think you only meant to be repetitive so that you could emphasize the different points you made.

-Diction: Phrases like "Looking how it ended" should be "seeing how it ended." Watch out for those!

Feedback (how I would like this if I was a normal reviewer):

You know, when playing the part of a reader (minus the beta/reviewer part of me) I absolutely loved the end of your story. It's all leading up to that wonderful last line. Nevertheless, all the grammatical mistakes mentioned above had me confused. If you edit it, and eliminate all the errors I pointed out (found in the separate betaing I did for you) then this would be a wonderful, angsty fanfiction.

Comments on Judging:

It's funny. I noticed how you were trying to write in a way that would describe how Angel was expressing himself. It led to a lot of fragmented sentences. I'm just wondering if an author has a 'license' to do such things, just to evoke some kind of imagery or emotion within us.

Advice:

Edit, edit, edit! A beta will help you out a lot. I'm sure that when (or if) this story gets edited, it will be an enjoyable read. I really hope that you do edit this and take my constructive criticism and make good use out of it. This story has amazing potential!


Liz