[Two bright-eyed young women walk into the room ready to be interviewed. The redhead, presumably named Stacie, wears low-riding pants and I can see the forehead of who I believe belongs to Nick Brendon with the word 'Juicy' enscriptured above him. The brunette, presumably Liz, sports a hobo-chic look that I find myself wanting to imitate. When she moves and the hole in her shirt moves with her, I see a tattoo; I think it's Ryan Gosling.]

TOR: It's a very early Satuday morning and I'm sitting here with Stacie and Liz, the owners of The Unsaid Reviews. Ladies, would you offer me the details of how you met?

Stacie: [Leans forward and clears throat] Well, Lez and I met when I was a young'un over at Fanfiction.net. She offered to beta because the Chatspeak melted my brain and I desperately needed a beta.
Liz: That's for damned sure.
Stacie: Yeah, well, you still didn't catch everything.
Liz: [Sighs exhaustingly] So anyway: I was such an ass-kisser back then, so...we got along pretty well and did that whole thing where we stay up until six o'clock in the morning, bitching about how we're unable to meet David Boreanaz, and how we should have sweaty dreams about Riley. Sometimes, I cringe when I look back...
Stacie: You aren't the only one.
TOR: The horror!
STACIE: Ewwww, David Boreanaz.
LIZ: Seriously.
TOR: Cellulite.

[At this point, Liz runs off to vomit while Stacie turns green and passes out.]

TOR: All disturbing thoughts aside, what is it like to work with each other?

STACIE: Snarky and messy.
LIZ: Stocie's a pain in the ass. But name-calling aside, she's more witty and smarter than I am. Which doesn't bother me, 'cause it makes me laugh anyway.
STACIE: [Sage nod] You wish you could be as cool as me. So says the girl with Nicholas Brendon on her ass.
LIZ: I do.

TOR: So you girls decided to group together and rate fictions. What urged you to do this?

LIZ: A bitch. She basically forced us...
STACIE: Well, we used to hang out at Fanfiction.net a lot and we had exposure to some of the worst fanfic writers ever.
LIZ: Said bitch. [Coughs]
STACIE: [Laughs] Exactly. And, when we reviewed her stuff and were honest, she'd freak out.
LIZ: And cry.
STACIE: I liked the crying.
LIZ: Me, too. But then she got all insulting and called [G]goths Satan Worshippers, so we stepped in and made her cry morer.
STACIE: And then, it got to the point where she would just post horrible, cliche fics and, each one sucked more than the last. Finally, we left her the ultimate review and it inspired her to delete all her fics.
LIZ: Which we loved! Dude, it was the ultimate accomplishment. It helped stop illiteracy from spreading. [Nods]
STACIE: And she had legions of followers. Let's not forget the clones.
LIZ: *Didn't forget* Stop reminding me!

TOR: Hah, sounds like you girls have had your hands full. Now, with running TUR and frequenting Fanfiction.net, you both have remarkably kept your composure while reviewing all these fics. Was it hard not throwing the book at someone while you watched fanfics bring a fandom down to hell?

LIZ: Bwahaha.
STACIE: It was very hard. Very, very. Fanfiction.net is one of the worst places ever, and we've been pretty lucky with the fics that have been submitted so far.
TOR: Share your pain, honey.
LIZ: That was very under-stated, don't you think? :P
STACIE: Dude, it totally was! Sometimes, deep breathing exercises were the only things that kept me from throwing my computer out the window. Well, that and vodka.
LIZ: And calmly walking away from said computer.
STACIE: I lost all hope for humanity. Little fuckers.
LIZ: I kept flipping them off but realized they would never see what I truly felt about them and their putrid pieces of shit.
STACIE:I tried to use Wite-Out and a pen to correct their mistakes. That didn't work, either.
LIZ: [Whispers] Notice how we kinda got around answering the questions - I feel like a politician!
TOR: [Laughs.]
STACIE: We're so awesome.
LIZ: Dern tootin'. We rule.

TOR: Well, at least you girls can say you're versed in another way of torture. So, now you girls have seemingly rebelled against your always-have-to-be-sweet personas. How does it feel?

LIZ: HEH!
STACIE: [Snorting laugh] "Sweet?" What versions of us were *you* hearing about?
LIZ: Yeah, I pictured us with pigtails for a second.
TOR: Sweet comes in when you were far more pleasable to the subject than deserved.
LIZ: Oh. That kind.
STACIE: All joking aside, it feels really great. The expectation that we always sugar-coat the truth causes this pain behind my right eye, which leads to twitching. I'm happy to state that the twitch is gone until I read bad fic.
LIZ: Being able to break away from the ass-kissing of the fandom is like being able to tell your friends that they suck without any consequences. It's a breath of fresh air to tell whoever you want about what's wrong with what they're writing - constructively tell them, that is. STACIE: We still can't be mean about it. The Waaaah-bulance would come a-callin'.
LIZ: True that.
TOR: Are you expecting any backlash from the writers? Or, seemingly, the fans of the badfic genre?
STACIE: Of course. As soon as the fandom people read the new essays, I'm sure they'll freak out. It'll be great.
LIZ: We're armed and ready to openly mock our flamers. So yes, we do expect them.
STACIE: [Adds in useful two-cents] Woo!
LIZ: Pointing and laughing will be involved.
STACIE: I love pointing and laughing!
LIZ: It's my most favorite hobby in the whole entire world.

TOR: Proves to be good entertainment then, good. What do you have planned for the newly liberated TUR?

LIZ: A layout that doesn't make you go blind.
STACIE: Essays that will piss the masses off.
LIZ: Some nifty, new tricks. Experimental crap that will confuse plenty of people.
STACIE: And...general bitchery!
LIZ: Which is a must.

TOR: And now the most important question of them all: What is your favorite color and what does it have to do with your sex life and the productivity of TUR?

[Stacie laughs hysterically while Liz falls onto the floor.]
STACIE: My favorite color is blue. It doesn't have anything to do with my sex life (pretending I have one). But, when I get my own place, my room is going to be red and gold. Do with that what you will. [winks] But, talking out of my ass here, blue reflects my work ethic. As in, I'm lazy/mellow about it.
LIZ: I like clear-looking objects, -- you figure it out -- and it makes me look past all the pointless porn in fanfiction.
STACIE: Ooh, clear! Nice choice!
LIZ: I know.
STACIE: That's half-assed on a level I haven't been to, yet.
TOR: Do they make clear condoms?
STACIE: I think so. Do they make blue ones, because I can totally use that.
LIZ: You can have a balloon be a makeshift condom.
STACIE: I don't think that works; would that work?
LIZ: It matters what size it is. DB's would work well.
STACIE: Because it's tiny, yes. But, stop trying to pollute my fantasies.
LIZ: That's what I was getting at.
STACIE: Yeah, but it has to be specified for the people reading at home.
TOR: To quote Robin Williams: "Looks like a midget in a diving suit"
LIZ: Robin Williams is crazy-cool; I have his jokes on CD.
TOR: I love him period!
STACIE: Lewis Black is the sex.
TOR: Yeah.
LIZ: Especially his candy-corn rantage.
STACIE: I love that! It's so freakin' true.
LIZ: I know.
[Awkward silence.]
STACIE: So...are we finished? Can I go home now?
TOR: I think so.